I’m normally a nice guy. Almost anyone that knows me
would completely agree with that statement. I think.
Anyway, that’s all irrelevant! Every now and then, along
comes a game that is so unintentionally awful that it’s
actually more memorable than many good games. Bad
Dudes vs. Dragon Ninja is one of those games.
First and foremost, anyone designing a game should take note
of this: If you are planning on making a generic game the fits
firmly in every single cliché of the genre, do not have your
main characters yell a phrase after every level that just reminds
you of how terrible the game is that you’re playing. In Bad Dudes,
you can’t just settle for being the baddest dude around, you have
to remind anyone anywhere near you constantly. “I’m bad!” has
become a mantra that every generic mascot game followed back
the 90’s. Remember Bubsy or Captain Novolin? I didn’t think so.
The storyline in the game is probably the most epic that I’ve ever
seen. It’s one of those things that I’m shocked they didn’t try to
bring back after 9-11 (there was Fugitive Hunter, but that’s different).
At the beginning of the game, after you muster up the courage to
drop a quarter in the machine, you are treated to a generic bad ass
sergeant that gives you everything you need to know to single
handedly take out a clan of ninja with your fist: President Ronnie has
been kidnapped by ninjas! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue him?!
I regret to inform you that… yes… I was a bad enough dude.
I’ve finished this game several times, simply because of how funny
it is. I was unaware that New York City suffered from a ninja problem
back in the 90’s, but I wasn’t really into world politics back then, so
anything is possible. I also didn’t know that there were turtles that
lived in sewers around that area that were fluent in English, excellent
fighters, and led by a gigantic mutated rat. The world sure has changed
huh? Anyway, it’s amazing that there are so many ninjas in that area
and you are able to defeat ANY of them with a fist to the face.
You’ll find yourself battling your way through plenty of environments
as well that all flow together seamlessly. From the rooftops of buses, to
the sewer system, to a forest (wait..what?), prepare to be amazed. There’s
something else that needs to be noted about the forest level: About halfway
through, some flaming guy pops out of nowhere and runs across the screen,
then runs off. I guess that symbolizes the developers trying to hide the
sexual tension between the two protagonists.
Which raises another topic of discussion: what the hell is wrong with your
characters? These are probably the two blandest characters I’ve ever
seen, standing right beside the pallet swapped ninjas in Mortal Kombat.
First off, they’re wearing these shoes that I’m assuming are supposed to
be designers, beige slacks, and the best part: wifebeaters. Not that I
condone violence, but by the end of the game, you just might want feel
like going out and beating the hell out of someone for playing all the
way through it.
The one upside to the game is the awesome ending. After fighting your
way through scene after scene of enemies, you finally manage to rescue
the president. Unfortunately, he’s not a woman, so you don’t even get
a rewarding kiss from your long and arduous journey. Instead, he
offers you something more rewarding than the love of any woman could
ever be: “Hey dudes thanks for rescuing me. Lets go for a burger!”
I was never able to establish if he was mocking you for finishing the game
or not, but if he’s laughing in the face of danger AND offering a burger,
THAT’S the kind of man we need to lead our country! Just because
of that last image, I have to give this game a 10/10. If it wasn’t for that
the score would drop to a 2. I might be being too generous there. Maybe
it’s a 1. I don’t know. Whatever you do, stay far away from that game.
The first and last images in the game are all you need to have played
through it.
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