Mailbag Debut

Hello. This is the section where we'll answer mail from our readers. I'm Frank, and I'll be doing this installment.


Dear Frank,
My girlfriend just left me for another guy. We had been together for half a year now, and she just up and left one day without any particularly noticeable warning signs before. What went wrong?
-Anonymous

To best answer this question, I thought it appropriate to give you a small anecdote from my personal experiences. So I'm with my girlfriend one night and we start fooling around. Things really start heating up when suddenly, she stops and says "I can't do this", leaving before I could ask why. I later learn through a mutual friend that she had secretly been infuriated about how I had traded her purebred german shepherd, raised by herself since it was a puppy, for a six-pack of beer.

Women can be so touchy sometimes.


Dear Frank,
I just got a promotion from toilet cleaner to corporate CEO. How do you explain such a drastic change in job?
Yours Truly,
President Crapper Scrubber

First off, let me say you must've given your former boss amazing sex, likely involving plungers. Now, what a lot of people don't realize is that all CEOs' ultimate goal is to become poop purging specialists. There's something satisfying about liquidating that 5-year-old urine stain with a dab of Lysol. Basically, you actually got demoted. Sorry you had to learn about it from an internet magazine.

Dear Frank,
How did you become so wise anyway? Any tips for how I can gain this same wisdom?
Sincerely,
Your prospective protégé

I'm not one to divulge such secrets so easily, but to start you off I will say that it involves years of meditation, honing your spiritual intuition, and Conan O'Brien reruns. Maybe forget the first two, actually. In fact, forget anything ever existed and delete your harddrive.