Homicide on Sesame Street Part 1 by Venom

This is a story I decided to do inspired by a gag on Family Guy, where Peter says all the shows on TV are starting to run together and then the TV airs a show called "Homicide on Sesame Street." It's a short clip so there's not much to it, so I decided to write a full story about a killer on Sesame Street. Read on.

*Bert and Ernie are enjoying an evening at home. It's getting late and they're thinking about going to bed soon. However, just as Bert gets the notion to have a snack before bed, the phone rings. Bert answers the phone*
Bert: Hello?...WHAT? Ok, I'll be right there.
Bert: Dammit!
Ernie: Hey Bert, what's wrong Bert?
Bert: Some idiot got his head shot off down at Hoopers, and they want me to go check it out. Damn, Cookie Monster is gonna be pissed if I call him during his "happy hour" but I need some help.
*Bert picks up the phone and dials Cookie Monster's number*
Cookie Monster: Cookie cookie, this is Cookie Monster, who-dis?
Bert: Cookie, it's me, Bert. The chief just called me and wants me to check out a murder. Will you come with me, partner?
Cookie Monster: but it's cookie cookie happy time!
Bert: I don't give a damn! I'm not doing this case by myself!
Cookie Monster: Ok, ok! Cookie Monster help. Just give few moments.
*Cookie Monster arrives at Bert and Ernie's house*
Cookie Monster: Ready, Bert?
Bert: Yeah, let's go. Bye Ernie, don't stay up too late.
Ernie: Sure Bert, I'll see you later Bert!
*Bert and Cookie Monster drive to the crime scene, Hooper's. They exit the car*
Bert: Where's the body?
Grover: Over there, behind the dumpster.
*Bert, Grover, and Cookie Monster walk to the body's location*
Bert: Oh jeez! This is disgusting!
Grover: I know it. Some sick bastard must have done this.
Bert: Where's our medical examiner? I want to know how bad it is.
Count: I count one! Two! Three! Four! Five! Five bullet holes!
Bert: ...Thank you Count. Don't sound so enthusiastic about your job. Alright, let's get this cleaned up. Grover, any witnesses?
Oscar: over here!
Bert: Who's this hobo?
Oscar: Hey, I'm not gay!
Bert: I said HOBO.
Grover: Bert, this is our witness. He says he saw a shadowy figure leaving the scene.
Bert: Oh, a shadowy figure! Yeah, let's get a sketch of him! Someone get a black crayon! A shadowy figure, how the hell is that gonna help?
Oscar: Hey, if you don't want my help, then screw off!
Bert: I'm sorry. I'm just out a little late and haven't had sex with Ern...anyone recently to relieve all the stress that's built up.
Cookie Monster: cookies help Cookie Monster relax!
Bert: Alright, Mr...
Oscar: Oscar.Bert. Mr. Oscar.
Oscar: The Grouch.
Bert: Which is it?
Oscar: Oscar the Grouch.
Bert: Alright Mr...The Grouch...which way did the "figure" go?
Oscar: I saw him run down Sesame Street toward's Big Bird's place. But he was way too small to be Big Bird.
Bert: Alright Grover, have some men dispatched to that area. Kermit: Excuse me, that's my authority.
Bert: Who the hell are you?
Kermit: I'm Kermit. Kermit the Frog.
Bert: Why is everyone "THE" something?
Kermit: The FBI has been called into this investigation. We believe the killer is one we've been after for years now.
Bert: Who is it?
Kermit: That information is classified.
Bert: Oh, of course. You can't tell us anything useful.
Kermit: We can't be sure who it is. And until we're sure, we can't divulge any misleading information. You understand, I'm sure.
Bert: Right, whatever.
Kermit: As I have full command of this operation, I am sending you and your partner to the area where the suspect was seen fleeing to.
Bert: What? Why us?
Kermit: Because, you've got the skills. I've seen the way you take care of business, Bert.
Bert: You've been spying in my bedroom? Bastard!
Kermit: ...Um, no, I meant your detective work.
Bert: ...Oh. Alright, we'll comply...for now. Come on Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster: Can we stop for cookies on the way?
Bert: NO!