Opening Disaster, by Kiwi

I present to everyone, one of Kiwi's great-so-awesome-it-should-be-illegal stories!
If you like this story, check out his thread dedicated to them here:



We find our heroes sitting in Robert's living room, bored beyond measure. "You'd think that 5 mechs and a tank could get into all sorts of mischief on a daily basis, but here we are, sitting around with nothing to do," said Robert with a sigh. "Yeah, I thought we'd get into all kinds of fun things," said Angela annoyed. The group sat in silence for a moment longer when suddenly, the front door flew off its hinges, slammed into the Pester Machine, and pinned him to the wall, leaving just his legs visible and twitching. Robert darted over to where the Pester Machine was pinned, "You ok there?"

"It's just a flesh wound."

"You don't have flesh."

"Then it's worse then it looks," with this, Robert pried the door off the Pester Machine.

"Hi guys!" Everyone turned to see Larry the Catapult coming in. "Doesn't anybody knock anymore," demanded Robert, annoyed at the rudeness of kids these days. "Sorry," said Larry sheepishly. "Why did you disappear," asked Tiffany. "Story reasons, can't introduce too many characters too quickly or the readers gets lost," explained Larry. "Anyway, I just heard that at some high tech laboratory they were cloning babies!" This revelation everyone look at Larry.

"Are you serious?"

"My dream of pestering 20 babies at once could come true!"

"Whoo-hoo! All you can eat buffet!" yelled both Robert and Spot. Larry shook his head, "They won't share, and the place is locked down tight." Angela stepped forward, "I could kick'em in the nadgers." Larry again shook his head, "No go, they're all normal sized people, no mechs, and they're eunuchs on top of that. The only way to get at it is a stealthy approach." Robert and Spot both looked down, "We're not good at stealth." Tiffany took a step forward this time, "I used to lead some covert ops awhile back." Spot looked at Tiffany, "What covert ops?"

"That's classified."

"Then how come you mentioned them?"

"Ask anymore questions and I'll kick you in the nadgers."

"The prosecution rest," said Spot as he took a step away from Tiffany. "Alright, so Tiffany's in charge of planning this operation," said Robert. Larry dropped a bundle of papers on the floor, "Here's the blueprints of the facility." Tyrese looked at them incredulously, "How did you get these?" Larry quickly answered, "Found it on the internet." Tiffany picked them up, "I'll start planning right away."

Two hours later

"So are we clear on the plan," asked Tiffany as she looked around. Everyone except Spot nodded their head, "Just one question, why are you and Angela the distraction and not any of the others?"

"Because I am much more skilled at stealth then you, and both me and Angela could use our feminine wiles to avoid trouble, if worst comes to worst." Spot shaked his fist, so to speak, at this, "Accursed feminine wiles; they are an enemy of mine." Angela shot Spot a dirty look and Tiffany just ignore him. "Alright, are there anymore questions?" Everyone shaked their head. "Let's get to work!"
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The group was hiding in the fringe of a forest placed conveniently close to the facility there were plotting to infiltrate. "Everyone ready," asked Tiffany. Everyone nodded their heads. "Alright, Angela, let's go!" They moved about 500 yards to the left of the group then moved towards the facility. When they got close enough, Tiffany turned to Angela and screamed, "I KNOW YOU WERE WITH HIM!

"IS IT MY FAULT HE LOVES ME MORE?"

"HE'S MINE AND YOU KNOW IT!"

One of the guards shouted out, "Cat fight!" His buddy turned to him, "But their machines, it's kinda wierd." Guard number one looked at him for a moment as if he was stupid, "It's two girls, even if they are machines, fighting, and that makes it hot." With this established, all the guards ran out to watch.

"YOU'RE JUST MAD YOU'RE NOT WOMAN ENOUGH FOR HIM!"

"OH LIKE YOU ARE?"

"MUCH MORE THEN YOU!"

"YOU'RE FAT!"

"YOU'RE SMALL!"

"YOU'RE SHORTER THEN I AM!"

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT HEIGHT!"

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

At that moment, Angela tackled Tiffany and they started brawling. The rest of the group took this as the signal and snuck into the compound unnoticed. When the group was out of sight, the two stopped fighting, got up, and shook hands. "Friends?"

"Friends."

"Let's go shopping for shoes."

"But I don't wear shoes."

The guards went back to their post, disappointed that it was over, and the two ladies walked off towards the woods. Inside the building, the group was sitting in an airduct that somehow could fit them all. "How could this hold us all?" asked Spot. "Everything involving stealth has to have the main characters in airducts or other small spaces," responded Larry. "Still, this thing is so huge, you couldn't even make up a reason for it being this large," said Tyrese. "Moral reasons," stated Larry. "That works."

"Hey guys," said Tiffany as she came up on the group. "So..." Robert paused for dramatic effect, "what's our next move again?" Tiffany took a breath, "We're gonna have to get the master control keycard." It was the Pester Machine's turn to be confused, "Huh? Whuzzat?"

"It's the keycard that belongs to the guy who runs the place, he's paranoid about thieves breaking into his house so he keeps the card in a high security room with laser beams and pressure sensitive floor."

"That seems unnecessary."

"But it's a chance for us. Now we're gonna lower Angela from this vent here so she can grab it."

"Why me?"

"Because, you're the smallest here."

"The Pester Machine is smaller then me."

"But I have no arms."

"I'm all thumbs when it comes to things like these."

"Fine," said Tiffany with a sigh, "Spot, you're doing it."

"Why me?"

"Because I've seen you with a slinky before."

"Oh, ok."

"The air vent over the keycard is over there, let's get moving." The rest of the group moved forward but Tiffany stood where she was and called Angela over to talk to her, "What was it you meant when you called me small?" Angela was surprised by this. "Uhhhh... I mean... It's just something I saw on TV." Tiffany appear to accept this and she ran to catch up with the group. Once she and Angela caught up with the group they began to lower Spot down to the keycard. While he was halfway there the door opened and he froze in place. The owner of the lab came in whistling a merry tune, when he sensed that something was amiss and looked up. "What in the world are you?"

"Uhhh... a spider?"

"Oh, ok," the lab owner took another step forward then it hit him. "SPIDER!" he screamed as he ran out the door. "Alright guys, a little more." When he was brought with in reach he quickly grabbed it and replaced it with a block of wood he had in his other hand. "Pull me up!" They pulled him up, post haste and he showed off his prize. "Why did you put the block of wood in it's place?" asked Tyrese. Spot looked at him for a moment, "Haven't you ever seen Indiana Jones movies?" Tyrese shook his turret, "That's only required in ancient temples." Tiffany stepped in between the two, "That's enough of that, it's time to move onto the next part of the plan."
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The group was hiding in a storage closet large enough for them all, wearing lab coats that fit them perfectly, even Tyrese. "It's convenient that all the halls and such are mech sized," said Robert. "There are even some lab coats that fit us perfectly," said Spot. Larry nodded, "Of course, it would have taken too long to describe a way we could get around those obstacles." The group headed out of the supply closet and towards their objective. On they way they passed through three metal detectors and no one seemed to notice the fact that they broke them going through the things. When they finally reached their destination. Spot swiped the card through the reader and the door opened to reveal a machine spitting out small goats. Everyone turned to look at Larry, "You said they were cloning babies," said the Pester Machine accusingly. Larry began backing away from the group, "I heard they were cloning kids. I thought they were cloning'em as babies and growing them!" The rest of the group looked down at the ground dejected.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" The group turned to see the owner and a few guards standing around him, "I don't know what you spiders want but stay away from my kid machine!" Robert just waved him off, "We didn't come here for any goats, we were looking for a machine that cloned babies." The owner scratched his head, "Oh, that, it's right down the hall." Robert and the rest were elated and began to walk of to see it for themselves. "However, I can't have spiders, especially giant ones, in my facility," with that the owner pushed a button on a remote and ran off. "Self-destruct in 5 minutes!" Tiffany turned to the group, "The main computer is right down the hallway too! Maybe we can shut off the self-destruct from there." The group ran to see a computer counting down the time till the explodification process begins. Tiffany arrived ahead and was trying to crack the password to stop it. "It's no good!"

"Try checking his documents! Maybe there's a hint there!"

"Good idea!" However her check was in vain as the time reached 10 seconds, everyone held their breath as it counted down: 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, the whole group covered their heads, some more successful then others, but all they heard was a beep. They looked up to see the Blue Screen of Death had stopped the count down in time. As one, they released a sigh of relief. They heard another beep and looked up at the screen to see, "Just kidding."

The explosion was a pretty nice one, the owner couldn't deny that as he rode of in his copter. It was just a shame he lost the kid machine. Still, at least the spiders were dead.

Robert picked himself up off the ground. "Well, that was a waste," said Angela as she picked herself up off the ground as well. "At least we had something to do," said Tiffany. "I didn't get to achieve my dream," the Pester Machine sounded as if he was on the verge of tears. "There, there, you'll get it eventually," Spot said to comfort him as he patted him on the back. "Well, what do we do now?" said Spot. "What we must always do" responded Robert, "Trivial Pursuit."

The End


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